Once Upon a Time, There Was a Man Named Nigel: A Story for Little Listeners

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Tea and Rain (that’s Britain), there lived a loud man named Nigel Farage. He always wore the same boring suit, waved his Union Jack like he was leading a parade of sausages, and shouted on the telly like someone had just stepped on his foot.

He kept yelling: “Britain isn’t fun anymore! Let’s go back to when everything was black and white and people ate jelly with meat!”

Nigel didn’t like the European Union, a big club of countries that shared snacks and ideas. When Britain left, Nigel danced like a dad at a wedding, arms flapping, tie flying, yelling, “I TOLD YOU SO!”

Nigel’s Club Collection

Nigel is like someone who keeps getting bored of his own birthday party and making new ones.

1. UKIP – His first team. They had big signs that said “Leave the EU!” and “Too many people are coming!” Some posters looked like the villain posters from a fairy tale. People went, “Um… that’s rude.”
2. The Brexit Party – The sequel! He made it because Brexit was taking longer than waiting for the toast to pop up. This one shouted, “JUST GO ALREADY!”
3. Reform UK – His newest invention. It says stuff like “No Fun!” “No green stuff!” and “Stop small boats!” (That’s code for “We don’t like people coming over in dinghies, even if they’re running from baddies.”)

What Nigel Says “NO!” To

Nigel and his friends love saying “NO!” like it’s their favourite breakfast cereal.

1. No lockdowns! Even when people were full of germs, Nigel said, “Let everyone go out and sneeze freely!”
2. No ‘woke’ stuff! “Woke” means trying to be fair and kind. Nigel thinks it’s TOO kind, like giving everyone a cookie even if they didn’t say please.
3. No green rules! Rules that help the planet? Nope. Nigel says, “The planet’s fine!” Meanwhile, Earth is sweating like it’s wearing a jumper in the bath.

The Tiny Boats and Big Tantrums

Around the world, some people live in scary places. So they get into teeny-weeny boats to find somewhere safe, like Britain, where there are hospitals, biscuits, and maybe a better life.

Lots of people say, “Let’s help them!”

But Nigel says, “NO! Too many! Close the biscuit tin!”

That idea is called ethno-nationalism, which is a long word that means “Only people exactly like me are allowed in my treehouse.” It’s not nice. It’s not fair. And it’s definitely not how you make friends.

Why Nigel Hates the Word ‘Woke’

“Woke” just means noticing unfair things, like someone hogging all the swings.

But Nigel says, “NO! Being nice is ruining everything!”

He acts like kindness is a monster that’s stolen his socks.

He uses “woke” like it’s a swear word, even though it started as “Let’s be fair to everyone.”

Imagine shouting “OH NO, SOMEONE WAS NICE TO ME!” That’s Nigel.

Nigel’s Favourite Hobby: Blaming Everyone

Nigel loves blaming people like other people love cake. He points fingers like he’s doing finger painting but forgot the paint.

He blames:

• The EU – “They’re mean and stole our crisps!”
• The Prime Minister – “They live in a Westminster Bubble! Probably made of actual bubble wrap!”
• The News People – “They’re all rich and don’t know what real tea tastes like!”
• Lefty People – “They want to turn Big Ben into a tofu tower!”

Basically, if it has a name, Nigel has blamed it for ruining his dinner.

One time he made a poster saying refugees were scary. Experts said, “That’s a big pile of rubbish.” But Nigel still said it on TV with his “serious face,” which looks like he just stepped in something squishy.

Some of Nigel’s Friends Are a Bit Yikes

Nigel says, “I’m just honest!” But he hangs out with people who say mean things loudly, like seagulls yelling at chips.

He’s pals with Steve Bannon, who worked with Donald Trump and probably sleeps in a tie.

He’s been friendly with Vladimir Putin, who is basically the bossy boots of Russia.

He’s stood near groups who don’t like anyone who looks or sounds different.

Nigel says, “I’m not like them!” But if you hang out with dragons, people might think you breathe fire too. (Even if you just burp loudly.)

The Big Election – And Nigel’s Musical Chairs Madness

Nigel kept trying to get into Parliament. It was like knocking on a big castle door while wearing silly socks and shouting, “LET ME IN!”

The door said, “No thank you” a bunch of times.

But then - surprise! - he finally got in! A place called Clacton said, “Fine, come help make the rules.”

Now Nigel has a chair at the big rule-making table. And guess what? He wants ALL the chairs. Every single one. Like it’s a musical chairs game and he’s screaming, “NO ONE ELSE GETS TO SIT!”

But here’s how he plays the game:

He blames people who are new, different, or just trying to find a safe place. That’s called scapegoating. It’s like blaming the goldfish because you can’t find your shoes.

So What Does It All Mean?

Nigel says, “I speak for normal people!”

But then he blames… basically everyone else.

He says immigrants made the schools crowded.

He says refugees made everything worse.

He says lefties and leaders broke the country.

He even says the weather’s fine, while Earth is sweating like it ran a marathon in wellies.

Some people say, “Nigel’s not just noisy. He’s trouble.”

Experts even say he’s far-right or neofascist (which means using grumpy, old ideas to make people fight instead of share).

And while he smiles a lot, his best buddies say things that would make your teddy cry.

He doesn’t want to help the planet.

He doesn’t want to help people who are scared or running from danger.

And he hangs out with people who shout mean stuff with a megaphone.

That’s why many grown-ups say, “This is not the kind of grown-up we want in charge of the crayons.”

And the Funniest Bit?

Britain is like a massive playground. And everyone should feel safe, welcome, and able to do cartwheels without being told off.

We can ask questions. We can check if something is true. And we can pick leaders who don’t just shout, “NO!” every five seconds.

Because even though Nigel yells a lot and blames the broccoli, YOU get to help write the next chapter of this big British story.

Do you want a country that cares for everyone? Or just for a few grumpy people in suits?

You choose.